So im feeling kinda guilty. Laney keeps trying to hook me up with these really nice girls, but im avoiding it like the plague cos im so against the idea of falling in love again. The thing is im the romantic of the group, im the the one who is supposed to believe in things like love and happy endings (not that sort!), but the truth is after what happened with Ruth I no longer see the appeal. I’ve learned that love is, realistically, just a chance to let someone else hurt you. I’ve always judged people by my own standards, been of the opinion that I wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone so im sure most other people would be the same. But after Ruth I’ve learned that a lot of people are more than willing to hurt other people, that for a lot of people the easiest option is better than the right one. She chose laziness over love, and now I really cant stop myself presuming that everyone else will do exactly the same.

I know in my head that not everyone is like that, that a lot of people will actually put effort in, that most people would be willing to work at love, but the problem is I don’t believe it, not really; once bitten twice shy and all that. So the way I see it I simply need to wait for however many months it takes before my heart believes what my head already knows. So thank you for trying Laney, I appreciate it, but for now my faith in love and happiness is pretty much all gone; I want meaningless things at meaningless times with meaningless people, because im kinda done with emotions for now.

'Cept the bad ones of course.

I’ve just woken up completely alone in London. Last night was class, great night made all the better for my little brother being there (bought him a ticket for Christmas, kinda; bought Ruth a ticket and quickly redesignated it!). So now jm completely alone in the hotel room and about to try my hand at gettin to paddington on the other side of the city whilst barely awake and completely hallucinating. Easy!

Train leaves in a little under an hour, London here come. And then its rave on! Looking forward to it; Tom, Si and I going so its a good size group, suitably close knit. The only bit im not looking forward to? The train journey home tomorrow! Three hours at least, with no smoking; its like a form of torture….

"I actually have no-one to talk to. Funny that."

Perhaps because of the way you treated the person who would have happily dropped anything at any time just to hear your voice? At least that’s not as bad as knowing that the love of your life simply doesn’t wasn’t you; believe me, that’s a pretty shitty feeling.

The worst thing? I still love her with all my heart and, if she’d not expressly asked me not to, would give absolutely anything to win her back. I’d be in London now in fact, fighting tooth and nail. I know, I know, more fool me; but I believe in romance, I believe in love, I believe in fighting for what makes you happy and, above all else, I believe in her. Shame that conflicts with her “give up at first sign of trouble and throw away true love as thought it were worthless” mentality…..

Well that day got pretty fuckin shit pretty fuckin fast! Accidentally text Ruth (what can I say, london put her on my mind) and received meanness in response (why does that even surprise me?). She suggested I delete her number; pretty harsh I thought given as most conversations we’ve had since she ripped my heart out have been started by her! Guess it upsets her to be reminded of what a stupid girl she’s been. Maybe she even regrets so easily giving up on love. Maybe, just maybe, she’s finally got smart enough to realise she may never get another chance, and feels pretty bad about throwing it away so cheaply. She should know its not too late. Either way, id’v thought she’d at least feel bad enough to treat me politely; I’m the victim after all.

Oh and one more thing; what a fucking beautiful day it is! How I’m goin to sneak off from my aunt to enjoy a spliff in the sun I don’t know but I’m gonna do it! A win for Blackburn this afternoon, a nice spot of art, a delicious meal and a spliff on the grass in the sun; not too much to ask is it?

I’m on my way to London and it feels very much like facing my fears; I’ve not been back since you know who gave up on me like so much you know what. As much as I am getting over it now I still cant help but wish she’d been less cowardly, been more willing to fight for happiness, for love. Ah well, live and learn I guess, I know I will; though I fear it’s only likely to make me less willing to trust or to love. But I really hope she learns from it too; not just a lesson about how not to treat people but I hope that she learns that she should fight for happiness. I want her only to be happy and if she gives up on it so readily throughout her life I fear she never truly will be. I just wish I could’ve met her after she’s learned that lesson; for her cowardice has cost me much.
Still, I’m doing better, iv been noticeably aware of my own mirth, and I’m sure some of the memories will remain amongst my favourite until the day I die. I just wish there wasn’t such regret to go with it! I’m the victim of someone else’s cowardice, someone else’s stupidity, and all I can do is take it on the chin, say “that’s life” and move on, taking with me the lessons iv learned. Though I fear I may never love again; it’s just so much easier that way! :)